No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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