make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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