my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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