Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize