He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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