happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Randomize
