is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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