i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
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