I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
