Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
