i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
