Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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