it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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