Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize