You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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