it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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