My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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