Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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