Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
