I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
