Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
