I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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