Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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