ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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