I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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