he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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