I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
