Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Acid is not a monday night drug
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
