You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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