Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
