Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
