walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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