I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
