Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I have aggressive nipples.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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