I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
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