I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
