K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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