we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
