my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
