Whod you bang
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
