Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
