i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
