Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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