cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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