the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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