Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Randomize
