Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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