I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
