Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
