I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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