He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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