all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i love accidental penises.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
