I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
being pregnant is like rehab
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
