just come out here and I will go home with you...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
