I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize