I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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