I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
