i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
she peed on how many people?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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