I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
My first STD was from a foam party
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
