pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
