I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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