I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
