Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
