my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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