I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
