just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
