I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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