i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
