the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
